I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
