Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize