Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
