I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
