I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
