The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
