he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
