There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize