Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
