Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
