I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
