so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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