Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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