the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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