i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
