I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
