I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
