Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
