Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You've changed since you got that strap on
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
