i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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