she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
