I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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