Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
