i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
