I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
