I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
