i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
