She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
