You're my little dorito
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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