I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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