Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
