So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
