We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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