just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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