ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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