ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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