smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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