I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
