No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
