I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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