I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
