Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
