Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
