You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
