After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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