Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
