My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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