I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
