I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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