When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize