I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This baby is an asshole
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My life is pants optional.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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