i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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