i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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