She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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