Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize