Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
