I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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