yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize