Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize