you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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