i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize