i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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