My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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