Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize