Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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